So I figured this week would be hard, seeing as it's my first birthday away from home, and my dad has been super spacey about the whole thing, but everyone has been so great. I've been getting gifts in the mail, and thoughtful letters from people that I never thought would ever write me. Seriously. Ever. But everyone is being so great, and even though it's still hard, everyone who so much as smiles and says hi helps, and I feel that much better.
I got a letter from a dear friend today, and after I read it, I started crying because it was so meaningful and well thought out. He had me read Doctrine and Covenants 98: 1-3, and I had an overwhelming spirit of peace. I'm just so glad that there are still good people in this world doing what they're supposed to.

Dealing

It's been really rough lately, but I guess that's just how it's going to go. I've started going to a counselor, and that has been helping. He helps me set goals that will help me through the grieving process. The hardest part about this whole thing is feeling the pain and knowing that nothing I can do will relieve the pain for a very long time. Obviously, that's kind of disheartening, but after talking to the counselor, I've realized that it's normal to feel that way. But there's so many people helping me, and I feel so grateful to them. Just so I have to stick to the goals set today in counseling, I've decided to write them down. Here we go.
1. Run at least four times a week to relieve stress.
2. Stop stress eating! (I don't know how I'll do with that one :P )
3. Talk to someone about the situation and my feelings at least two hours a week.
and:
4. Be patient with myself. Don't feel obligated to meet anyone elses expectations in dealing with the grieving process. Let myself know when things are right.

So there are the goals! Effective immediately. I've been doing some "me" time to try and speed up the healing. Such as hair dying and nail painting :]

Lately I haven't been sure of much. The only thing I do know for sure is that I hurt, alot. When I got the call from my parents that I was flying home, I hoped that nothing was wrong, and now I see that was a naive thought. My parents are seperating. It was a huge shock to everyone, especially to Jacob and I. We had no idea what was going on. The worst part is that my dad is the one who officially decided it, as he was the one who had an affair. So now he's leaving us to go and be with her and her children. It's like a bad nightmare, and I keep hoping that I'll wake up, but I know I won't, and that may be the scariest thing to deal with.
The future isn't certain, and in many ways, I've lost a part of me in seeing my dad fall away and disregard the Lord's commandments. He was always such an example to me, and without that constant example in my life, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess try and be strong. I just don't know how to do it. All I know is that if I didn't have the people supporting me that I have, then I would not be able to get through this.

New Years Resolutions

Usually I'm not one to participate in New Years Resolutions, as they are usually goals that people set with the intention of good, but fall off it after two weeks, and I hate doing things halfway. If I'm going to make a goal, I'm going to see it through, which is why this year, I've thought hard about what I want my goal to be for next year, and I've decided on what may seem like an impossibly hard task. Here it is. I am going to train for and finish a marathon.

Even when I look at what I just typed I laugh, because I never could see myself having enough strength, endurance and mental ability to run 26 miles at one time. But I've made it my goal to train at least four days a week until I can complete 26 miles, and when that happens, I'm going to run in a marathon and hopefully finish it within 5-6 hours.

I've already started training, and let me tell you, it's already hard. I've managed to go from my two miles without stopping to four miles, so I've made some progress, but this is all about pushing yourself, even if it makes you feel like you're dying. For me, a marathon is mostly mental ability with some leg strength.

The hardest part is getting up and doing it. The rest will fall into place once you're moving.

I feel like if I have control of one aspect of my life, and control of my body, everything else will be less significant and hopefully I'll get some more control of who I am and who I want to be.

When did Christmas change?

When did Christmas become so commercial? Even as a little kid, I can remember acting out the nativity scene every Christmas Eve with our family friends and taking baked goods to the widowed in our church. When did that sort of thing become less common? I think one of the reasons I can't be as excited for Christmas is because I know that it's turned into a big commercial holiday, instead of celebrating the birth of Christ and the meaning of family and being grateful.

I'm making it my own personal goal to remember why we celebrate Christmas this year and hope that it will make me feel like I'm back in my childhood. I'm going to enjoy my limited time with all of my family and remember to be grateful for everything.

Winter Break

I've tried blogging before, but as I'm more dedicated to writing here more often, I'm hoping that I will be able to keep up with this.

My first fall semester at BYU-I is finished, and I'm off for two weeks for Christmas and New Years. This past semester was a mix of good and bad emotions. I met so many people that I am really quite attached to and who will be close friends forever, and I also met many people that I didn't get along with. It took a while to get it, but that's just part of life. There's always going to be people that don't like me, and people that I don't like. The hardest part of college was realizing who were my true friends and who weren't. And a close second behind that, having to say good bye to the true friends.

Sometimes you can't know for sure who would really do anything for you, or as I like to put it, jump off a bridge with you. This semester was an eye opener. I learned a lot about some of my friends that proved to me that they weren't who I thought they were. I never realized how lucky I was to have such a close group of friends in highschool. I never had to worry about catty comments from the girls or gossip or even backstabbing. Once well into the semester, I realized how much it can actually hurt to have someone talk about you, and how much it completely changes your perspective on someone once you know what they've been saying about you. It's hard to look at them the same. I wish I hadn't known, in a way. It would've made things much simpler. But then, would I have looked naive?

I'm hoping that I'll be able to continue to grow as a person and find myself as I go through this next semester. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it - I think it'll be one of the best experiences yet.